drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
