Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
