Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
