M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
