I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
