I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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