i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
