I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
