My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize