Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pants are for mortals
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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