i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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