It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
