I could make wine with my vomit
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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