Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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