just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I skipped work to stalk him.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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