My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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