hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
