I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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