i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
