my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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