Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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