My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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