i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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