Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
