I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
