Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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