I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
did i walk over a car last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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