I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
