I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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