yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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