Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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