I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
