Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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