if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
