Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
