I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize