watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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