Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
