My liver just broke up with me...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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