I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
