I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
