Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
