I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize