just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't deserve a penis
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
