So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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