I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
