I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
