oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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