Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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