It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
