I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
