Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
