at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We are all done wearing pants today
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