One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
