Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
be right there i have to get my cape
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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