you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The Olympian is in my bed
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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