it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
